NOVEMBER

Social Anxiety Disorder and Parenting: Modeling Healthy Behavior

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), also known as social phobia, is a common but often misunderstood mental health condition. It revolves around an intense and irrational fear of social situations, leading to extreme distress and avoidance behavior.

People with SAD fear being negatively judged, embarrassed, or humiliated in social settings.  If you struggled with bullying or abuse at home as a child, you are more likely to experience SAD as an adult.  It makes perfect sense, if you experienced embarrassment, humiliation, or couldn't seem to do anything right as a kid, you are likely going to be on the lookout for it to happen as an adult.   

To escape anxiety and its sometimes-embarrassing symptoms like panic attacks, sweating, blushing, or freezing up, individuals often avoid social situations. This avoidance can limit personal and professional growth. And, can make it exceptionally hard to be a parent.  SAD is not a passing discomfort that you can 'snap out of', it's a persistent condition, that can cause significant long-term distress if left untreated.

Ways children can be affected by parents' socially avoidant behaviors.

Many parents with SAD worry about how their condition might affect their children. While parenting is challenging for everyone, those with social anxiety may face additional hurdles and unique challenges. Parents know that children learn from the behavior they model but often aren't sure how to break their unhealthy patterns.  Parenting in our society today is full of situations where parents feel or are judged and criticized even if you don't have SAD. We even added "mom-shaming" to our vocabularies in the last decade.  So, what is a parent with SAD to do?

Learned avoidance and anxiety: Since children learn by observing their parents' behavior, if a parent with SAD frequently avoids social situations or is always nervous and on edge in social situations, their child may also develop similar tendencies, potentially perpetuating a cycle of social anxiety.

Lacking advocates: Kids often need adults to be their advocates, whether at school or in healthcare settings. Parents with social anxiety may struggle to speak up for their child's best interests, potentially impacting their access to necessary resources and support.

Excessive Worry About Social Perception: Parents with SAD may excessively worry about what other parents or caregivers think of them. This concern about being negatively judged can lead to increased stress and self-criticism, which can indirectly affect their parenting.

Impact on Child's Self-Esteem: If a parent's social anxiety prevents them from attending important events or supporting their child's social activities, it can indirectly affect the child's self-esteem and sense of parental support. A child may feel unimportant or like a burden on the parent.  In some cases a child may even take on a parentified role caretaking the parents anxiety.

Expected and unexpected ways that parents may be affected by SAD

Missing out on Milestones and Important events: If a parent struggles with attending playdates, school events, or extracurricular activities, they may miss out on being there for milestones (first performance in a school play), disappointments (losing the big game), or joyful events (scoring a goal).  This can cause long-term damage to the parent-child relationship as the child may feel less important or frequently let down.

Avoidance of Parenting Support Groups: Parenting support groups can provide valuable resources and connections for parents. However, those with social anxiety may avoid such groups due to the fear of group interactions, missing out on helpful information and emotional support.

Impact on Family Life: Overall, Social Anxiety Disorder can contribute to a strained family dynamic if not effectively managed. It can lead to missed opportunities for family activities and increased stress within the household.

Ways to help yourself and support your child's development at the same time.

While SAD can add to parenting stress, it's important for kids to see adults make connections, build relationships, and solve problems.  If your kids aren't seeing you do this, at least come of the time, they may be missing out on important social and emotional development.  Here are some positive things you can do to support yourself and your child at the same time.

• Seek treatment for your SAD.  Both therapy and medication can help.  Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, somatic or body-based ways of managing your nervous system, and even Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Can help your brain make new connections and help you feel calmer. 
• Find regular, meaningful, ways for your child to see you or other adults at play, work, and in community situations.  This doesn't have to be every day and it doesn't always have to be you modeling the behavior. You don't have to do all activities at all times. Look for ways that your children can see adults (you, a relative, a trusted friend) making small talk, building relationships, and solving problems. 
• Model managing your anxiety.  It's OK to model balancing your needs with the need for social engagement. Talk with your children in age-appropriate ways.  "Sometimes Mom feels shy (or talked out, or peopled out) and I need to take a break from people", "Sometimes it's a little scary for me to meet new people, but I do it anyway because that's how we make friends."
• Find a buddy parent in your school community, someone who welcomes you and gives you a safe place to connect so you aren't standing or carrying conversations alone in busy or noisy environments.
• Have some standard phrases practiced and at the ready "I'm more of a doer than a talker. How can I help?", "Sometimes it takes me a while to warm up, tell me about yourself."

You are not alone!

Parents with SAD and histories of childhood bullying or abuse, often say they have trouble with common parenting requirements, especially in the elementary school years.  For parents with SAD and young children, life can look like a gauntlet of never-ending social engagements: setting up playdates, attending school events, enrolling in and attending extracurriculars all of which involve meeting new people, making small talk, and worry about saying or doing the "wrong thing" leading to being judged.

It's essential for parents with Social Anxiety Disorder to seek support and treatment, such as therapy, to manage their condition effectively. With treatment and coping strategies, they can learn to navigate the challenges of parenting while addressing their social anxiety and ensuring their child's well-being and development. Additionally, open communication with their child about their condition can help the child better understand and support their parent's needs while fostering empathy and compassion.